by Hank Trumbull and Jim Simmons
Every spring, all junior bros start to worry about college. Finding the right college for any man isn’t as easy as one might think. While parties and the quality of women are top priorities on all lists, sports and the fraternity scene are important as well.
Everyone knows that we won’t be paying 50 grand a year just to study, so we would like to focus on the more important aspects of the experience. We have come to find that there are so many colleges around the nation that there is a perfect place for everyone.
After going on our college visits, we concluded that the East Coast is a tough place for a man. The harsh winters and pale women can’t supply the needs of a Californian bro. We walked on to campuses and needed to put our “East Coast Goggles” on to find attractive women. We really wish they could all be California girls.
As well, no bro can survive in an environment that looks at “68 degrees” as a great day, because that’s the temperature of our ocean. You can have as many snow days as you want, but we can buy a snow cone from the Ice Cream man and that’s wintery enough for us. Unless you can play a sport and get into a good college, leave your fears of losing your bronze behind—go West Coast. There is truly nothing better than surfing the warm pacific waters while Harrison works on his puzzle record in the East Coast blizzards. As junior Kyle Ulman best put it, “Everybody dies, but not everybody lives,” and we therefore recommend picking West Coast schools.
However, sports are a main role in the college decision process and should be considered before picking a school. Playing a sport is a great way to meet people and have fun your freshman year, so make sure your team doesn’t go 1-7 in the NESCAC. If you have the talent, we generally recommend picking an Ivy League school. Even though we have our doubts about the East Coast, Ivy League schools have strong academics and are way more serious about winning than the other East Coast football leagues. If the East Coast doesn’t work out, football in Texas or California is always a great option.
There may not be a single factor more important than the quality of women at a college. The most influential moment in picking a college may just be how hot the tour guide was. “The boy-to-girl ratio at Georgia Tech is 3:1, but when I saw my tour guide I got butterflies in my stomach and knew there was hope,” said senior Larry Feygin.
Just like bros, good-looking women love warm weather and a laid-back environment. Finding this kind of combination in a school isn’t as easy as you might think. For this reason, Florida, Arizona and California all are states where you can’t go wrong. At schools like USC or ASU, beautiful women flourish. They gather in packs called sororities, and the increased competition makes them easier to hang out with.
Luckily if you are also smart, if you end up at an Ivy League, don’t lose all hope on possible women. Almost all females care about their education, so women are plentiful even at the hardest of institutions. Just look at Hermione Granger; she makes studying sexy.
The Greek life at any school will affect the floor you wake up on every Sunday morning, so at any frat make sure the rugs can keep you warm. Having solid fraternities at any school makes dudes’ lives a lot easier. Not only will a frat house have a cozier feel than a dorm, but also fraternities are where you make your best friends.
College is known as a time that separates the men from the boys. Don’t make a foolish decision by putting little thought into where you will take your talents. With these culminating suggestions, hopefully you choose a school that fits you..