by Chris Stanton

Infectious terror hit Chadwick School last week when a deadly insect known as occidit studiosorum—“Oxy” for short—infested the campus’s Wi-Fi server, effectively slaughtering dozens of PCs in what has officially been labeled as a massacre.
“Macs appear to have dodged a bullet with this one,” said an anonymous technological expert, “But we believe Oxy may be evolving, as it has already reached level 20. Soon, nothing and no one will be immune. Oxy travels through wiring and can kill a human if looked at in the eyes.”
Oxy nearly claimed a life last week, that of sophomore Stella Dong. However, Dong’s color-changing contacts protected her and she was only petrified. The administration assured the Chadwick community that Nurse Ellie would be able to cure Dong in a matter of days. The attack has had a dramatic impact on the student body.
Junior Jessie Ralph said, “For the first time in my life, I’m worried about something other than grades and SATs.”
The administration of Chadwick School has been frantically attempting to rectify the situation, one they believe may negatively impact the impeccable reputation of this academic institution.
“The overblown issue regarding a sentient computer virus, nicknamed ‘Oxy’ and ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,’ is completely under control,” said the Chadwick administration in an official press release, “However, we are still willing to accept donations to stop the virus.”
Despite the attempted reassurance, Mainsheet journalists went incognito and unearthed a few facts on their own, mainly from an extremely reliable source who wishes to remain anonymous.
“Oxy continues to be a threat, and Chadwick’s attempt to tell people otherwise is merely a conspiracy dedicated to preserving the Chadwick image,” claims the source. “Oxy is very much alive, and also pregnant. He will give birth to a second, much larger- scale virus that will no longer remain restricted to wiring.”
Tech experts believe the only way to truly defeat the ever-growing threat is to trace it back to its source, something that will require taking a break from long hours of playing World of WarCraft. The task requires endless hours of checking Internet histories and taking long breaks to discuss video games and methods of killing Oxy once and for all.
However, through a whole week of tireless effort, several witnesses have come forth, namely sophomore Victor Martinez.
“I saw a hooded figure walk into the PC Lab and upload something into the computer,” said the entirely inconspicuous Martinez. “I never saw his face, but I am sure it was him.”
Though his story may seem improbable, the lead has helped the tech experts determine what computer the virus came from, and they are currently working on helping teachers fix their computers instead of killing the virus.
Unsatisfied with the actions of the tech experts, several students have banded together in the fight against the crazed killer, forming an organization labeled Oxy Resistance Group that has been responsible for several sabotages and guerilla assaults.
“The fight can only be won while separate from the bonds of establishment,” said sophomore and freedom fighter Austin Welch, “And I believe ORG should hold dictatorship over the school until the threat is eliminated, and I say we do so by any means necessary.”
While many may not agree with Welch and ORG’s rationale, almost the entire Chadwick community has joined the effort to be freed from the oppression of Oxy, who has been described as a “scorpion-like insect with a thirst for blood.”
Students from all over campus have joined in peaceful protests to end Oxy’s discrimination and animosity towards students. Several fundraisers have also been held to fund the resistance.
Despite the hush-hush nature of the administration’s efforts, Mainsheet has discovered an underground bounty on Oxy’s head that was set by a high official at Chadwick School. The bounty rests on Oxy’s head until a brave bounty hunter will step forward and slaughter the menacing bug. Many a man has tried and failed at this endeavor, and even Dog the Bounty Hunter failed at his attempt at catching the technological criminal.
The unstoppable nature of Oxy has many people worried, and until the killer’s weakness is determined and tech experts manage to erase its presence from the Chadwick server, it is advisable to keep small children at home and to avoid using any technological devices for fear of Oxy having become air-communicable.
The threat has risen to all new stakes, and soon someone’s life may be lost. The administration and ORG as well agree that the Chadwick community needs to keep a level head and try to remain calm in this dire situation. Teachers have been advised to give endless hours of homework for their students to complete on top of their extracurricular activities, so they can remain focused and do not get distracted by the event.
Until Oxy has been defeated, please refrain from using Chadwick Wi-Fi, and do not forget to re-register your laptop when the situation has been eradicated.

…..April fools!

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